Panic Attacks, Deconstruction, and Gluten-Free Donuts with Lexi Grey

A seizure in airport security, a college freshman year shaped by fear, and a long road through brain fog, pain flares, and panic attacks! We talk with Lexi about what it’s like to live as a Christian with chronic illness when your body feels unpredictable and your mind is exhausted from staying on alert. Her story holds the tension so many of us feel: trusting God while still needing real medical care, real coping skills, and real people who show up. 

Lexi walks us through her health journey with epilepsy, fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, IgA deficiency, and Chiari malformation, including what seizures can look like, why prevention matters as an adult, and how life decisions like driving, work, and future plans get complicated fast. We also get practical about the messy process of finding the right medications, what happened when a misdiagnosis led to the wrong prescription, and why gene testing can be worth considering when side effects hit hard. 

We go deep on mental health with honesty and care: anxiety, major depressive disorder, CPTSD, therapy over many years, EMDR, and the reality that antidepressants and anxiety meds can be life-giving but require support. Lexi shares a simple plan that can protect you during med changes: pick safe people from different parts of your life and ask them to check in, because you may not be able to reach out first. We also talk about chronic illness and faith, deconstruction and reconstruction, and the kind of joy that does not deny reality, plus Psalms that can become your borrowed words when you cannot find your own. 

If you’ve been looking for a Christian chronic illness podcast that mixes faith with practical mental health and chronic pain support, this conversation is for you. Subscribe, share it with a friend who’s struggling, and leave a review so more people can find this community.

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Transcript

Welcome And Meet Lexi

L. A. Sprague 0:01

I'm your Jesus loving and pote host, Elise Brig. Welcome to Christians with Chronic Illnesses. Well, Lexi, thanks again for being willing to do this interview with me. I really

Hobbies Theater Coffee And Baking

L. A. Sprague 0:24

appreciate it. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

SPEAKER_03 0:27

That's such a that's such a broad question. I guess one thing about myself is that I hate that question. I'm like, do you want to know my favorite color?

L. A. Sprague 0:39

Do you want to know like tell us your your hobbies and something you're passionate about?

SPEAKER_03 0:47

My hobbies are I love to read, I love to bake. I'm actually recently started getting into making homemade donuts because I'm gluten-free and it's really hard to find gluten-free donuts. And so I was like, well, why don't I just make my own? Yeah. So I've been testing out a new flavor like every week, and my coworkers currently love me because I bring them to work all the time. I recently started getting into cooking as well. I also do community theater, which is for fun.

L. A. Sprague 1:21

Like musical or like acting?

SPEAKER_03 1:25

I've done musicals in the past. I I could sing if I wanted to, but I don't want to.

L. A. Sprague 1:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:34

Um so I typically in musicals on like ensemble, or if I have close to a lead role, it's like a character that has a funny voice, so I don't have to be one key. But I do like acting and stuff. I'm a part of a theater where I live, and we do like plays and comedies and things like that. So it's just a fun way to meet new people and get to know the community and bring joy to people, and it definitely is a hobby that keeps your brain active, which is always always good, helps with the memory things. I love trying new coffee shops. That's something that's a good thing.

L. A. Sprague 2:16

Ooh, very nice. Any recommendations?

SPEAKER_03 2:19

Well, I'm in the Indianapolis area, so alumen coffee is really good. Lumen? Alumin? Alumen. Yeah, it means to be a light. It's a Christian-owned coffee shop. Oh nice. They roast their own coffee and it's so good. They have a blackberry brown sugar latte.

L. A. Sprague 2:41

So very unique. Okay, do they have decaf espresso?

SPEAKER_03 2:47

Yes. Because I love decaf because I can't have caffeine. And yes, they make a very good decaf latte.

L. A. Sprague 2:55

Oh. I love that.

SPEAKER_03 2:56

And you can actually taste the coffee, but without the caffeine.

L. A. Sprague 3:00

Yep. That's spectacular. I literally tried a new coffee shop yesterday, and the first thing I ask every time I walk into a new coffee shop is, Do you have decaf espresso?

SPEAKER_03 3:13

I've actually I've never thought to ask that. Like I got I'd guess I just assume that everyone has decaf espresso.

L. A. Sprague 3:20

Yeah, I've actually only found it like yeah, I guess there's a few that haven't. So anyway, I'm I'm happy that you found some good ones. That's amazing.

Storytelling Through Her Podcast

L. A. Sprague 3:29

You have a podcast too, right?

SPEAKER_03 3:31

I do have a podcast. It's called the Not Without Purpose Podcast. And it's sort of a similar platform to that you have, where it just allows people to have a platform to share their stories. And it's to show how the Lord has worked through our stories and that nothing we go through is without purpose.

L. A. Sprague 3:52

Yeah. That's beautiful. Yeah. So if you're listening, you should definitely check it out. If you want, I could put the link in the show notes.

unknown 4:00

Sure.

L. A. Sprague 4:00

Okay, guys. Link in the show notes. Check out what is it? Oh, not without purpose.

SPEAKER_03 4:05

Not without purpose. Yeah.

L. A. Sprague 4:07

Yeah. That's beautiful. Wonderful. Okay, so I met you or got connected to you because you're going to church with one of our friends. Shout out Maddie Page. We love you so much. You're like one of the top supporters of me as a person in this podcast. And you connected us. So thank you. So you go to church, you're a believer, all that good stuff. So why don't

Faith Growth And Deconstruction

L. A. Sprague 4:28

you tell us a little bit about your faith?

SPEAKER_03 4:30

Yeah. So I grew up in the church. I have been probably going to church since I was like a week old. And my family was full of pastors and missionaries. So we went growing up to the church that my grandpa was a pastor. I so very involved in church from a very young age. I think I was I accepted the Lord as my savior when I was four. Obviously, I don't remember that, but my mom does. So and yeah, did all the good Christian kid things, went to Iwana, knew all the Bible verses, knew all the answers to all the questions. But I didn't really have like a personal relationship with Christ until I was like 18. I was baptized the first time at 11. And then when I was 18, I recommitted my life to Christ and started having like my own personal relationship with him. And that's when like everything kind of went downhill, which is pretty typical for someone who commits their life to Christ. It's like okay, life just got really hard. So must be doing something right. But then a few years ago, I was dealing with some I was in therapy and it was really extensive therapy and dealing with some mental health struggles and just questioning a lot of things and questioning why I believed certain things. And uh growing up, I kind of always took things at face value and was like, whenever someone would tell me something, I wouldn't really question it, I would just take it as truth. And so I started diving into why I believed the things that I believed and why I did the things that I did, and was like, Well, why do I go to church? Well, because it's the right thing to do, because that's what a good Christian does. So I started re-evaluating things and I sort of began a deconstruction process, which I think a lot of people in Christian circles don't like that word because it it typically leads to people walking away from the faith. Um, but I think the a crucial thing to remember is that deconstruction is only the first step of the process. There also has to be reconstruction, and so when you break something down, it's to rebuild it to be better than it was before. And so so many people I think miss the reconstruction phase of deconstruction, and they just leave it as well, I've just torn down this whole thing that I have built up, and now I'm just gonna leave it as a pile of bricks in the corner and just not pick it back up again. And so it was taking apart to put back together correctly. And yeah, it's been a beautiful journey, and I've I would say the Lord and I are besties, but I definitely don't spend as much time with him as I could, but he is my best friend, and I yeah, would not I would not be who I am today without my faith, and it's the most important piece of my life, and everywhere I go, I I don't shy away from talking about my faith. Yeah, I don't push it on other people, but everyone knows that I'm a Christian, yeah, whether I talk to them about it or not. Sometimes they just know because of the way I live, which is super encouraging, but also it's convicting of like, okay, I need to be doing that every moment of every day, even around other believers. So yeah, that's a small snippet of my story.

Surrender Prayer Then The Seizure

L. A. Sprague 8:32

Yeah, thanks for sharing. So when things were getting rough around when you were 18, and that's when you started to cling to the Lord as like your best friend, and really, I guess I don't know if ignite that relationship is the right word, but was that was life getting hard because of chronic illness, or was that like other things or both?

SPEAKER_03 8:52

Yeah, I it was definitely a lot of health issues kind of came up to the surface after that. It was actually it was September of 2015 that I recommitted my life to Christ. So I guess I was seven. I don't remember how long ago. And it was July of 2016. I had just come back a month prior for my first missions trip, and I was just like on fire on the you know, after coming back from missions trip, you're like, you are on the mountain, you're like I am high on the Holy Spirit. Um and I remember coming back from that and being like, I don't want to lose this fire, I just I just want to like commit.

L. A. Sprague 9:46

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:48

And so I remember going to church that week and I was like, Lord, my body is yours, like do with it whatever you will. And I just want to like live on fire for you. And I think we really have to be careful when we say things like that, because the Lord actually is like, okay, if you're if you're gonna say that, we're we're gonna test this theory and see if you actually mean what you're saying. And so a month after that, I actually had a grandma's seizure in the middle of airport security on the way home from a trip with my mom.

L. A. Sprague 10:26

I mean, what's a grandma's seizure?

SPEAKER_03 10:28

What's that?

L. A. Sprague 10:29

What's a grandma's seizure?

SPEAKER_03 10:31

So it's what like when you hear the word seizure, it's what you think of when you hear the word seizure. So it's convulsions, filming at the mouth, like go becoming unconscious, uh all of the typical just seizure things. And I had had seizures as a kid, but I had had what are called petite mall seizures, and so they're just like or absence seizures, but they're just like you just kind of zone out for 30 seconds and then you come back too, and so it's almost like your brain does a little reset and then you're back. And so I was diagnosed with epilepsy as a kid, but at that point, I hadn't had a seizure since I was like eight or nine, and so I had gone about 11 years without having any seizures, and then I just had this grandma seizure out of nowhere, and we still don't know what caused it, we still don't know why it happened. I wasn't on medication at the time for seizures, I wasn't being treated for them because the doctors were like, you just outgrew it, it was just children, and so you're fine. And then all of a sudden I just had this seizure in which there's I say this all the time, but I'm like, there's never a good time or place to have a seizure.

L. A. Sprague 11:57

Yeah, I bet not.

SPEAKER_03 11:58

But I would say the worst time and place to have a seizure is when you have you're about to step through the metal detector in TSA, and because the the paramedics couldn't come and get me because we hadn't walked through the metal detector yet. So my mom had to like carry me through the metal detector after that season so we could get to the paramedics. So what yeah, it was it was not a not a good time. Obviously, did not fly home that oh my gosh, but that kind of started like that started a a domino effect of a lot of other things coming into play, just like health-wise, but also just a lot of stuff like in my family and you know, losing a couple family members who passed away and a lot of mental health struggles, and so it was just yeah, it was sort of like one thing after another kept rolling. I would say up until like nine months ago, it was just a never it was just a constant snowball of thing after thing after thing.

L. A. Sprague 13:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 13:16

So yeah.

L. A. Sprague 13:18

I'm glad you've had some relief in the last nine months.

SPEAKER_03 13:21

Yeah, me too. It's been quite I'm I'm still like unsure what to do with it because I'm like feels like the last that was nine years ago, the last nine years or so have been like just living in survival mode and just trying to get through. And now it's like oh happy and like life is good.

SPEAKER_02 13:45

Right. Is this what joy feels like?

SPEAKER_03 13:48

We don't know what do I what am I supposed to do with it?

L. A. Sprague 13:51

So yeah, weird, it's a good weird yeah, absolutely unfamiliar territory. Adjustment, yeah. Yeah. Well, I I hope you'll just I hope you'll be able to let it be. I know that sometimes we can self-sabotage if we're used to a a constant of chaos, or if that's the familiar. I know a lot of people say that you know the reason people self-sabotage is because it's more familiar to be in chaos. So I hope that you're able to just let it be while it will, because chaos will come, you know, inevitably. But hey, if you got a period of peace, I I hope you're able to live in it in the fullness. That's awesome. Yeah, I'm also glad you were able to like find Christ and hope in the middle of that. And I I'm sure that I hope that that was helpful for you having him there.

SPEAKER_03 14:44

Yeah, yeah, I I definitely would not have, I would not have survived the last nine years.

L. A. Sprague 14:52

Wow.

Chronic Illness List And Daily Impact

L. A. Sprague 14:53

Okay, so I want to hear more about your story with chronic illness, with if you're open to talking about it, mental health. I know that's a passion of yours. So I know you have quite a few chronic illnesses. So if you're comfortable, why don't you tell us, you know, list off what you got and maybe from like what affects you the most, you know, maybe start there.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

Yeah. Yeah, I would say the biggest one is epilepsy. I that journey in itself, and we can dive deeper into that a little later, but that one has been the most challenging and the most life-altering, I would say. Okay. Um, and I've had like, you know, I was diagnosed as a kid, I went 11, 12 years without having any seizures. Then I had that one random seizure, and then this last year I was actually re-diagnosed with epilepsy and sort of on a treatment plan for that, and that was kind of out of the blue and unexpected because I had gone, you know, nine years without any seizure activity, and then it showed up on a test one day, and here we are. So that that one has been the most difficult, I would say, mentally, obviously, because my brain functions at a limited capacity because of the seizures, but also just like mental health-wise, that has been the most challenging one and the most consistent one.

SPEAKER_00 16:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:30

And then I would say number two would be I have fibromyalgia. And that one has been a challenge for sure. Lots of pain included with that one. Um so the cold weather is is not a fun time. I love the cold, but it doesn't love me. Um and gosh, I I think the last time we talked, I made a list of all the things because I couldn't. Yeah.

L. A. Sprague 17:02

And I remember that list is I can pull it up. You want me to pull it up?

SPEAKER_03 17:06

Well, like this, this is just seizure brain. I can't remember anything. Um, which is just amazing that I do theater because I'm like, how do I remember all of these lines? Um I would say number three would be I have chronic migraines. And yeah, those those can be challenging. I uh have an IgA deficiency, which means that it's an autoimmune disorder and it causes like really bad allergies, and it causes your immune system to just pretty much attack itself. And so I get a lot of sinus infections, which I'm pretty sure I'm getting one right now. Um so like seasons of stress, which I'm not stressed right now, it's just the weather and um top of here. But when I'm in seasons of stress, my immune system does not do so well, and so I get sick really easily. Um and that also causes really bad allergies, which then causes migraines, so it's like the migraines are kind of a double whammy. And then I have what is called an Arnold Kiari Malformation Type 1. Okay, um is yeah, super fun. But it's pretty much when I was born, my skull didn't form properly, and so for anyone who doesn't know this, you actually have two sets of tonsils. You have the ones that everyone knows about in the back of your throat, but you also have cerebral tonsils, which are tonsils in the back of your brain, and they are what allows the spinal fluid to flow from your brain to your spinal cord. And if your skull does not form properly, those tonsils don't have room to be, I guess, in the form that they're supposed to, and so they become herniated because they're like squished up in there. And so that causes the spinal fluid to not flow properly from the brain to the spinal cord. Um, so it can cause a buildup of pressure in the brain, which causes migraine type headaches, so three to three, and like lots of dizzy spells and lots of pain and like nerve pain, motor function can be altered. And the more herniated your tonsils are, the worse your symptoms are, of course. Thankfully, mine is very minor. My tonsils are only herniated by like three millimeters, um, which is good. So typically the only like treatment for that is surgery, and thankfully mine is not bad enough that I have to have surgery, which I'm very grateful for, but it is like combined with everything else I have, it does cause some symptoms, which normally people who have very low herniation don't have symptoms, but because of everything else I have mixed in, it just kind of makes me a little bit more sensitive to those things.

L. A. Sprague 20:25

Yeah, kind of exasperates other symptoms and conditions.

SPEAKER_03 20:30

So yeah, and I've got a couple other things where that are sort of like a mystery, and so I probably have more. We're unsure, and we're just yeah, gonna hope that one day we figure it out. And if not, that's fine too, because I don't need to make the list any longer.

L. A. Sprague 20:50

Yeah, I mean, if if it would help to, you know, treat it, that's always great. And sometimes, though I know you already have diagnoses. I know sometimes, at least for me, it's like once you get one, it's like, okay, cool, at least I know like something. And so I probably haven't been as proactive about seeking diagnosis as I need to. But for some people, like, and I think definitely for me before I had any diagnosis, like it it's so huge to like find that. But I'm glad that you're at a point where you're like, you know, I'm content.

SPEAKER_03 21:23

Like I got enough to deal with. I I can just figure out. And some of the things are just like, well, you're like, okay, well, I know that this causes this to happen, so I'm just gonna, you know, alter this lifestyle or you know, go on a different diet, and that helps. And so it's just figuring out how to manage things. And if you can manage things, then it's like I don't really need a diagnosis because a diagnosis is another medication. And I already have Granny pill organizer at twenty nine. I don't I don't need any more pills.

L. A. Sprague 22:00

Yep. Yeah, totally understandable.

Epilepsy Basics Triggers And Prevention

L. A. Sprague 22:03

So can you tell us more about epilepsy? What what is it? Do you know?

SPEAKER_03 22:08

Like I mean, it's a seizure disorder. So yeah.

L. A. Sprague 22:15

Do you know what causes seizures? Like, I know nothing about it.

SPEAKER_03 22:18

So yeah, sometimes it's genetic. I have quite a few people in my family that have it. Like my younger brother also was diagnosed with epilepsy. Actually, at the we were, he's a few years younger than me, but he was diagnosed at the same age I was, but he fully outgrew his.

SPEAKER_02 22:36

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 22:37

Um, and so a lot of times it's genetics. Sometimes if you have just like like if you have consistent seizures, then they diagnose you with epilepsy. And if you like they do MRIs or EEG tests, which are like EKGs for your brain, um, they if they see consistent seizure activity, then they diagnose you with a seizure disorder or epilepsy. But sometimes you can have like just a random seizure, it can be caused by like I a lot of diabetics have them because of low blood sugar, dehydration, sometimes just like bright flashing lights. Your brain just is like, whoa. And so honestly, it I describe it as like your brain just malfunctioning like a computer, and it's just like, nope, we just need to shut down because this is just too much. Yeah, and so and then it goes a little crazy, and then so yeah, they can be caused by a lot of different things, but typically you're only diagnosed with epilepsy if you have consistent seizures.

L. A. Sprague 23:45

Okay, yeah. So, do you know, like, can you feel when you have a seizure about to come on? Is there any way to prevent them or are they sudden?

SPEAKER_03 23:54

The ones I had as a kid, there was no way to know. I was having so many a day because they were such like short-term, like I didn't pass out, I didn't, you know, have convulsions or anything like that. But I do remember a couple different times where I would come back to and not remember what I was doing or where I was. Um one of them I actually remember I was doing a dance recital, and I was in the class by myself, so I was the only one dancing.

SPEAKER_00 24:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:31

And I remember being in the middle of a dance move, and I was like seven. And I just remember all of a sudden looking around and being like, wait, where am I? For all these people, and then realizing, oh, I'm dancing, I have to keep so I like froze mid dancing and then was like, oh, okay, now I have to just keep going. So yeah, those ones they just happened so frequently, and they were so short term that there was really no way to see them coming. Yeah. Um the one I had when I was 19, that one I like sort of fell off all morning and was having some disease spells. And I remember just before just before it happened, I remember like telling my mom that I was seeing double, and I like was really just disoriented. Yeah, and then I got to the point where a lot of the times people will like become completely stiff, like your muscles just like do not move, and then they start compulsing. So I remember being so stiff that I couldn't, and like my body was like almost like weighed down, and so I couldn't. My mom had to take my shoes and jacket off for me so I could go through the metal detector, and like I couldn't move, and then everything went black, and I was sort of in and out of consciousness all day. I probably honestly had multiple seizures that day, but I don't really remember most of the day, so but I haven't had one since then, so that was like nine years ago, I guess.

L. A. Sprague 26:28

Wow, okay, that's great.

SPEAKER_03 26:30

So I have seizure activity on tests, but I'm not actively having seizures.

SPEAKER_02 26:37

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 26:37

So there's there's a higher risk of me having seizures, which is why I'm on medication for it. Oh, okay. Because I have such an extensive history of seizures.

SPEAKER_02 26:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 26:47

And because they still see seizure activity. So I have to get tested like every year to see, and then yeah, my neurologist and I have a game plan of hopefully I won't have to be on the medication forever. But at this point, it's like every time I get off medication, I just end up having to get back on. So at this point, it's probably something I'm gonna have to just deal with. But I would much rather be preventative and be on the medication because you know, especially as an adult, it's it, you know, as a kid when you have seizures, it doesn't really upend your life a whole lot, especially if you have just absence seizures. But as an adult, it's like if I have a seizure and am unconscious, I can't drive for six months, like it's illegal for me to drive. Wow. And so there's so many more things that like you know, can I work? Can I, you know, do things that I enjoy? And so it prohibits you from doing a lot more things if you're not careful. So I'm like, I would like to just like live my life, and if that means being on a low dose seizure medication for the rest of my life, yeah, and that means I can just live a full life, then I'm okay with that. And I don't have really any side effects from this medication, so I'm like, I'm cool if we just wanna stick with this because at this point it just keeps coming back. So yeah, yeah, yeah.

L. A. Sprague 28:24

You don't want to make the classic mistake in of thinking that you're better and then getting off medicine or breaking your habits and then inducing episodes. If you're if you're listening, I know you know what I mean. I know you know, like if you're listening and have a chronic illness, it's like the classic, like, oh, like I I would literally had this like I think two or three days ago. I was like, wow, I haven't felt symptomatic in like a month. I was like, I'm I'm doing really good. And in those moments, you're like, oh, maybe I was gaslighting myself, maybe I don't have a chronic illness. And literally, like the last two days I've been so dizzy, and like so you know.

SPEAKER_03 29:08

Well, and I I think in those moments too, we tend to be like, oh, I've been feeling really good lately, so I'm just gonna do everything I've been putting off and push myself. Yeah, and then we're like out of commission for two weeks. And yeah, it's like it can be really and it really is the have I think am I actually unwell or am I just being dramatic? Right, yeah, and I'm fine, and everyone else is just walking around with these same symptoms, yeah, and it's like your body reminds you like, no, no, no, we're we're special here. Um, we we gotta take it easy, and that's okay.

L. A. Sprague 29:50

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, so I think that's wise. Take care of yourself, keep taking the medicine.

SPEAKER_03 29:57

Unless my doctor is like, no, I really think you're fine. But if the fluke thing keeps happening, then it's not a fluke anymore. Yeah, it's just a pattern.

L. A. Sprague 30:09

Yeah, absolutely.

Aftermath Panic Attacks And College

L. A. Sprague 30:11

Yeah, what does it feel like after a seizure?

SPEAKER_03 30:16

That's a good question. Yeah, I uh I think I'll just probably describe what it's like after a grandma seizure because I honestly really don't remember a whole lot of the ones as a kid.

L. A. Sprague 30:30

And the grandma seizure just being like the typical like lose consciousness.

SPEAKER_03 30:35

They're they're also called tonic clonic seizures.

L. A. Sprague 30:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 30:40

There's a lot of different names for them. But that was the one that I had in the middle of the airport. And it it's very disorienting, and I was like in and out of consciousness the rest of the day. And it's almost like you know, when you reset your computer or restart it, and it takes forever to like come back to its normal self. Yeah, especially if it's like an older computer and it takes like an hour just to like get itself going again. Like that's what it feels like. Is it's just like your body just completely shut down, and your brain was like, Nope, we're not functioning anymore. And we're gonna we're gonna take a momentary break. I also the seizure I had was longer than the normal seizure. And so my brain took extra time to restart and reboot. And so, yeah, it was very I remember like for the next couple weeks after that, it was like my brain and body. I don't really remember a whole lot of the two weeks after that because it was like my my body was removed or my brain was removed. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but it was a very like out-of-body experience. And I remember waking up on the airport floor, and the paramedics were surrounding me and asking questions like, do you know what day it is? Who's the president? What's your name? And then I remember them putting me on a stretcher, and then I blacked out again, and then I woke up in the ambulance and was like, what happened? And they were like, You just had a seizure in the middle of the airport, and then I blacked out again, and it was just like a and then I remember like waking up in the hospital, my family was there, and then I I don't think I blacked out anymore the rest of the day, but it was just like it was like when a computer restarts and then it's just lagging, and like everything felt heavy, everything because your body pretty much goes into shock, and so there's all the adrenaline of the shock of it, but also your your brain is seizing, and then the rest of your body is doing that too, and so everything is just like completely disoriented and discombobulated. That's a good word for how it feels after having a seizure, discombobulating. And yeah, it was when I ended up flying home a couple days later, like I we my mom was like, You're riding in a wheelchair, because I just I had no energy, I had no strength, I couldn't barely walk, and it was just like functioning was not a thing. So I think we stayed in bed the day after it happened. We just stayed in bed all day. Uh-huh. And I I did not get out of bed all day, and it was like, all right, we're just but it it took a long time for my brain to be able to reset. And I think the shock of it of it just happening out of nowhere was also didn't help. So, like the mental piece of it was really hard too.

L. A. Sprague 34:27

Very confusing.

SPEAKER_03 34:28

And then it's like, you know, my neurologist was like, Well, you can't drive for six months.

SPEAKER_02 34:32

Ugh.

SPEAKER_03 34:33

And, you know, I'm like old. I'm a month later, went to college, and we don't know why this happened, and I'm on this medication all of a sudden, and he's telling me, like, if you're on this medication, you can't have kids because like it's really detrimental to the baby, and so I'm like 19, can't drive. He's telling me if I have to be on this medication for the rest of my life, I may not be able to have kids, and then I just go off to college and hope that it doesn't happen again.

L. A. Sprague 35:06

So you went to college right after having that episode, and then being told, oh, if you're on this medicine, you might not be able to have kids, and also you can't drive for six months.

SPEAKER_03 35:18

Yeah.

L. A. Sprague 35:19

Wow. How did that feel?

SPEAKER_03 35:22

Not great.

L. A. Sprague 35:24

Yeah, can imagine.

SPEAKER_03 35:25

It I shortly after that happened, because again, we had no idea what caused the seizure. We don't know if it was because when I had testing done after the seizure, there was no seizure activity on the tax. And so it was like, well, we don't think this is like an epileptic seizure. We think this is a seizure that was caused by you know, maybe I had been visiting family and at a wedding the night before, and so they're like, maybe you were dehydrated, you had low blood sugar. We don't know. Um, so there's there was this anxiety of what if it happens again? And I don't know what caused it. So literally anything could make it happen again. And so that was the first time I started experiencing panic attacks. And anytime I felt a dizzy spell, I would just like my whole body would freeze and I would just sit on my floor and cry and shake. And it was like it was months of that because it was, you know, it just instilled this fear of if I do anything, this is gonna happen again. And so, you know, most kids when they go off to college, you do anything and everything, and you're involved in all of the activities, and you're going to all of the events, and you're, you know, making all the friends and doing all the late nights, and that that's not what my freshman year looked like at all. It was a lot of just hiding in my room, and I didn't go to events and I didn't do things because I was like, Well, I don't I don't want to risk anything happening. Um, so I kind of just like lived in a bubble almost. Uh and it was which, you know, did not do great things for my mental health. Yeah. But yeah, it was uh it was not a fun, not a fun time.

L. A. Sprague 37:31

Yeah, sounds like you had a more tame and perhaps isolating freshman experience.

SPEAKER_03 37:38

Yeah, yeah. Well, I wouldn't say tame, but I didn't feel tame. But also because of my chiari malformation, the seizure kind of like jostled things a little bit. And so I started having symptoms from that. So that's when my symptoms of that started. Um, so I was having migraine type headaches, the disease spells, like my motor function was off, I was in a lot of pain all the time. So actually, later the next spring, uh my symptoms just kept getting worse. And so we were convinced I had a brain tumor because I had seizure and all the things. So my neurologist ordered an emergency MRI, and that's when we found out I had the chiari, and he was like, You might have to have brain surgery. So I'm finished freshman year thinking I'm gonna have to have brain surgery. Oh my goodness. And so, yeah, my freshman year was not tamed, it was the only year of college I did because I I dropped out after that because I was like, I there's too much going on. So um, and that was definitely the right choice, but it was yeah, and then it was like so. I was dealing with the health stuff and then mental health on top of that, and not knowing what to do with that, because that was never something that was, you know, especially in church and Christian culture, like it just wasn't talked about, so I didn't know what to do with these panic attacks that I was having. I didn't even have a name for them really. And then my grandma passed away in that my first semester of college, and she was like my best friend. Um I'm sorry, and there was just a lot of other different dynamics and things happening that yeah, I made my freshman year and only year of college not an enjoyable one.

L. A. Sprague 39:43

Yeah, oh, I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_03 39:45

I don't necessarily look back on that season with great fondness, right? Yeah, I also know that like my story wouldn't look like what it does today if I hadn't gone through all of that.

L. A. Sprague 39:57

So yeah, yeah. Wow, so you've been through

Stability Through Doctors And Self-Advocacy

L. A. Sprague 40:01

quite a bit. Do you feel like I know you said the last nine months have been more subtle or I guess calm, and that's awesome. Do you feel like your health is progressively getting better, or do you feel like you're kind of just in a season of remission?

SPEAKER_03 40:18

Yeah, I would say it my health has gotten a lot better. I think because I'm and something for me, just because of some of the conditions or disorders or whatever you want to call them that I have, my mental health plays a big part in how I'm feeling.

L. A. Sprague 40:41

Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 40:43

So especially with like fibromyalgia, that is typically caused by like physical or emotional trauma. And so it's purely a mental and emotional autoimmune disorder. Wow. So in seasons of stress or in distress, my like I feel all of it in my body. Um, because most of the things that I have are caused by mental health. And so I uh yeah, I've just had a lot of good things happening over the last like year and a half, and I'm adjusting. We were talking about this a little bit in the beginning of like adjusting to joy and not living in survival mode anymore. And when you are just trying to get through it, your body's like, okay, we're like sludging through mud right now. And I remember even earlier this year talking to my doctor and feeling like I literally feel like I'm trudging through mud right now, like that's how heavy my mind is.

L. A. Sprague 41:51

Oh yeah. Um, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:55

Yeah. And then we ended up, so I would say like my mental health has been a big piece of it, and just managing that, but also just like some really good things have been happening in my life. Um, and I feel like I'm finally in a place where my joy is made complete in the Lord, and so even when bad days come because they do, and you know, the cold weather comes and then the pain comes, and I I know that these are just circumstances, and this is just temporary, and tomorrow might be better, and you know, my joy is in him, it's not in my circumstances, and so my circumstances no longer determine where my joy is found. But I also got off of a couple different medications that were actually just making everything worse, and that had that changed everything for weight after getting off of those medications, um, so like the the weight loss has helped me feel better. Yeah, um, I've figured out a diet that works for me and that doesn't, you know, so I'm like completely free now because gluten makes my fibromyalgia and a couple other things flare up. And so I have found what works, and I'm like at a point where I can just manage things and feel okay. And I think just having some clearer answers and knowing, even if I don't have you know, specific diagnosis or whatever, like knowing what could be causing some of my things is like, oh this this makes sense, and just being on the right medications and having the right doctors and having people who want to dig into things and keep looking and keep searching, and having doctors that advocate for that has been like yeah. Um yeah, I would say just a combination of a lot of different things, but That has made it so my health is not as weighty.

L. A. Sprague 44:06

Yeah. Do you mind sharing what like I have three three things I want to ask, and you're welcome to share and not share any of them. What medications you found helpful, not helpful? What your diet is any said gluten-free, and I'm not sure if that's like the full extent or not. And then I would love for you to talk more extensively about mental health and specifically what you've struggled with, but also how you have grown in that and things that have helped you.

SPEAKER_03 44:36

Yeah. Okay. So the first question.

L. A. Sprague 44:40

I already forgot. That's okay, bro. That's okay.

SPEAKER_03 44:43

It's the seizure path.

unknown 44:46

No, no, no.

Medication Wins Misses And Gene Testing

L. A. Sprague 44:47

The first question: what medications have we found helpful?

SPEAKER_03 44:51

Yeah. That's an interesting question. And I think it really it's it's different for everybody. And it's different because I am more sensitive to medications and side effects. And so, and a lot of it is because of genetics. So I have medications that I've tried for things and they have not worked, but for some people, they work automatically. And so for me, like I have I've also stumbled upon accidentally medications that were given for one thing, but actually ended up helping with something else. Wow. That's kind of cool. That's always interesting. So it really like it depends on your genetic disposition.

L. A. Sprague 45:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 45:44

Um, and it also depends on what you're using because there's also a lot of different medications that can be used for a lot of different things. So, like earlier this year, I was actually misdiagnosed with POTS. Oh, wow. Yeah, which is super fun. Turns out I just have very minor form or case of vasovagal syncope. And so my blood pressure just gets low sometimes, and that causes me to pass out. But it's only happened once. So okay, that's good. And that was at a for the tilt table test, which, if you don't know what that is, it's a horrible, horrible, horrible test. That really talk about discombobulating. Yeah. That'll do it. But anyway, we don't need to get into that. So they misdiagnosed me with that. They put me on a beta blocker, which is supposed to lower your heart rate and lower your blood pressure. But because I already have low blood pressure, it was actually worse and making it so I felt like I was gonna pass out all the time.

L. A. Sprague 46:48

Oh no.

SPEAKER_03 46:50

Um, so that was not good. So that was one of the medications my doctor was like, I don't feel I switched doctors and she was like, I don't feel comfortable with you on this. So we're getting you off of it. And that was great. I was also on gabapentin to help with the fibromyalgia and the seizures, but because it's not a full seizure medication, we had to put me on a really high dosage of it, which gabapentin is like I I've seen people who have taken too much GABAPentin, like they're like high. Like it's it's almost like a tranquilizer in a way, and so the dose I was taking was way too high, and I felt like a zombie, and it also made me gain a lot of weight and just like made me feel terrible. So we got off that, put me on a full seizure medication, and then that's when it was like, oh, I feel like a human being again. Oh, yeah, but for some people it works, and it helped with my pain from my fibromyalgia, but I would much rather be in pain than feel like a zombie and not feel like I can't function.

SPEAKER_00 47:57

Right.

SPEAKER_03 47:58

So, but again, like it really just depends on your genetic disposition and how you like you know, how your family members react to certain things, and if you have a certain, you know. Yeah. Um, so like if if you're someone who's struggling to find a medication that works, gene testing might be a good idea because it'll show you, like, oh, because of your family's genes, you actually should like steer clear of this medication. Especially if you're looking into medications for like anxiety or depression or any like mental health medications. Gene testing is really it's not covered by insurance, of course, because why would it be? So it's a little pricey, but I have heard it does great things. I almost did it at one point. And yeah, it's it's super helpful to know, like, oh, because of my genetic disposition, I actually shouldn't take this medication because it'll just worse, or it won't help, or the side effects will be too strong. Yeah. So yeah, but I've tried a lot of different medications for a lot of different things, and it's not always a fun journey. Yeah. Once you find the ones that work, it's great.

L. A. Sprague 49:17

It's worth it.

SPEAKER_03 49:17

Yeah, it's worth it, but it could take like 10 years, not to be discouraging or anything, but it's yeah, but push through, push through, it's worth it. And then the second question was diet, diet, yes.

Gluten-Free Diet And Inflammation Clues

SPEAKER_03 49:33

So yeah, I went uh probably a little over a year ago, I started an anti-inflammatory diet because so many of my things are inflammatory, and I was just like, I everything hurts and I feel inflamed all the time. So I started that. It I did that for like three weeks and was like, I this is too much. Because it was like you really were so limited, and you had like the recipes you had to make were just like they were insane. So I was like, this is not something that I can sustain long term. But I noticed so gluten is one of the things that you cut out when you go anti-inflammatory, and it was like three days after I started this diet, I had something with gluten in it, and it was literally just like a flower tortilla. And when I tell you, I was in so much pain, like 20 minutes after eating this, and like I felt it everywhere in my body, and I had some of the worst stomach cramps I've had ever. I was like, Oh, maybe maybe there's something here. So I started noticing anytime I ate gluten, it was like I felt it everywhere in my body.

SPEAKER_02 50:50

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 50:50

So it was like, all right, I guess we're going gluten-free. And sometimes I can eat things with gluten. I think it depends on the type of flour that's used or the type of wheat. But I also did a lot of like allergy testing earlier this year, and was like, I you know, I just wanted to know everything that was going on. Turns out the only thing I'm actually allergic to is barley, okay, which is really random. Um, but it's found in a lot of gluten-free things. Oh no. I find that sometimes even though I'm eating something gluten-free, my stomach still hurts because it has barley in it. But I don't really like I honestly forget half the time that I'm allergic to barley.

SPEAKER_02 51:43

Right.

SPEAKER_03 51:44

But yeah, and because of my IGA deficiency and my immune system, I've been tested for celiac, but an IgA deficiency can cause a negative celiac result. Wow. So I've it says I'm not celiac, but because of the deficiency that I have, I most likely am. So but I would have to do further testing and do like a whole scope with my doctor. And why do all that if you can just rather eat gluten continue being gluten-free because I'm already doing that?

L. A. Sprague 52:19

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 52:20

And so I don't worry about like trace things and like I, you know, I use regular sugar, not gluten-free sugar, because I'm like, there's no flowery. Like I know it's made in the same plant, and it's a whole thing. And if you see that, please do that.

L. A. Sprague 52:38

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_03 52:39

But I don't have to necessarily worry too much about that. And then the diet thing has just like it is the game changer. Like, I feel more pain when I don't eat right. And being gluten-free uh uh encourages you to eat more whole foods and more vegetables, yeah.

L. A. Sprague 53:02

It does, I'm sure it does.

SPEAKER_03 53:04

And like I actually prefer brown rice pasta over regular pasta, yeah. And that may be just me gaslighting myself because that's the only pasta I can eat, right? But it it makes me feel better, so it's fine. But yeah, just like and it's helped me enjoy cooking because I've been learning how to cook things that make me feel good. Um, and so I and things that I enjoy. So it's been kind of fun. It it makes things a little bit more complicated when I want to go out to eat, and it makes other people's lives a little bit more complicated. But I just, you know, work around it and I eat before an event or I bring my own food or whatever. So just it's a learning curve, but you know, uh my friends get all the benefits of me trying new glute gluten-free recipes because then I'll bring them to work.

L. A. Sprague 54:00

Right, your donuts.

SPEAKER_03 54:03

Um, so you know, it's it's kind of fun. It was stressful at first and not super because it was like, oh, there's you know, there's so many things that I wish I could eat. Like I would just love a really good yeast donut.

SPEAKER_00 54:17

Aww.

SPEAKER_03 54:18

I you know, I could eat one, I would regret it.

L. A. Sprague 54:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 54:23

In like 20 minutes. But yeah, I could.

L. A. Sprague 54:27

Right. Hey, so would you be willing to share your donut recipe? Is that something like you could you could send it to me?

SPEAKER_03 54:35

Yeah, so fun fact, I actually got it off of Chat GPT. It's not mine.

unknown 54:40

No way!

SPEAKER_03 54:41

Um, I literally was like, can you give me and what I do is I use I use gluten-free all-purpose flour. So it's and it's called like one for one. I think it's like, I'm not gonna, you know, this isn't an ad for anything. Um but it's like bops, red mill, one for one gluten-free all-purpose flour, and it's mainly rice flour, I think, and oat flour. Okay. Um, but it's so you can use that in substitution for regular all-purpose flour, and you can use the same exact measurements.

L. A. Sprague 55:16

Yeah, that's all.

SPEAKER_03 55:17

I just use regular recipes and then use gluten-free all-purpose flour instead.

SPEAKER_02 55:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 55:24

I just Googled, like, hey, I want or I just looked up in ChatGPT, I want to make what were the ones I was gonna make this week? Oh, gingerbread donuts with a brown butter glaze. What? Um and Chat GPT was like, okay, here's the recipe, and then I just use whatever flour I use. So if it's a recipe that calls for all-purpose flour, that's the way to go. Yeah. If it calls for like self-rising flour, I haven't tried one of those yet.

L. A. Sprague 55:56

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 55:57

So you can just literally look up on Chat GPT any kind of flavored donut. And I do baked donuts, so I have like the pan um that it's like in the oven. I don't fry them because I'm not I'm not that adventurous yet. Yeah. Um but yeah, so chat GPT.

L. A. Sprague 56:15

Okay, sweet. Third third

Anxiety Depression Therapy And Support

L. A. Sprague 56:18

question. What about like mental mental health? What have you struggled with and what have you found helps?

SPEAKER_03 56:25

Yeah, I which I guess these would also fall under chronic illnesses. I have mixed anxiety and major depressive disorder. And I honestly I think I've always had them. I also have CPTSD, which is complex post-traumatic stress disorder, just from some events that have happened in my life, one of them being the seizure. But yeah, I would say for the anxiety piece, that one I am still sort of navigating. I used to have like horrible panic attacks, especially right after the seizure. And in seasons where, you know, there's stuff going on in my family or whatever, I would have really bad panic attacks where I couldn't like I couldn't speak. I would literally just sit there frozen for like 20, 30 minutes, not be able to move, not be able to speak. And sometimes I would be crying, sometimes I would just like have no expression or emotion. And I remember my mom sitting with me through a lot of those, and her just sitting there next to me, and it was just completely silent for like 30 minutes, and so my whole body would just shut down. And I have done a lot of extensive therapy. I've been in therapy for seven years, um, which is a long time. Um, and I've finally gotten to a place my therapist actually told me a couple months ago that I'm stable. And my doctor said the same thing around the same time, and I was like, I'm sorry, that's never been a word someone's used to describe. Congrats! Stable, I guess. Yeah. For now at least. That's awesome. We'll we'll take it. Yeah. So yeah, I I had done a lot of therapy, I've done a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy, which I would encourage, you know, anyone who's looking into therapy to do your research on these things because they're hard to describe. But I've done something called EMDR therapy, which reframes traumatic situations in your brain, and it's a really freaky process, but it works, and it's so cool how the brain works and sometimes doesn't it work. And then yeah, so my anxiety's gotten a lot better. I have a lot of like social anxiety that I'm still working through, but I think that's just just a piece of my personality at this point, and I'm okay with that. So that one has not had too much of an effect on my life. I would say my depression has been that has been a challenge up until probably about six months ago. And I yeah, have struggled a lot with just to be honest, I've struggled a lot with suicidal ideation multiple times in the past. And thankfully I'm it's been what three years since my last one. Um but that that has been a very difficult journey, especially, you know, trying to find medications that worked, and because of my genetic disposition and the amount of mental health thing struggles that are in my family, it was incredibly difficult to find a medication that worked. But it was also, I remember, and this is something I'm just very passionate about because I especially in the Christian community, I think a lot of us probably grew up, if you grew up in the church, you know, my family was always like people with anxiety or depression are you know just looking for attention or you're not praying enough or you don't have enough faith and you just need to like just go to church more and pray more and then you'll be fine. And it really is so much more complex than that.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:40

And there's so many, I think, yes, if you are someone who struggles with anxiety, depression, like and you think medication is would be a good idea, absolutely, I say go for it. But that is not the only outlet for you getting help. Like, there's so many more, like you have to have more than just medication helping. Like find a solid community, make sure you're sleeping enough, make sure you're eating right, make sure you're exercising and getting your endorphins and make sure you know you're you have hobbies and things that bring you joy outside of TV or screen time or whatever. Getting plugged into a church community, serving others, taking care of other people, having a support system, journaling, drawing, whatever it is, like there are so many. Like, I I never want someone to think there's only one way that will help this. Like, there's so many different ways. And so, yes, like your faith is vitally important to your mental health and your physical health. But the Lord also allowed us to have medication, and like He He allowed for us to have science and doctors to help create things because sometimes it is a chemical imbalance, like it's not just circumstantial, like it could just be the way your brain and body function, and so asking for help and looking for help and looking for things to help with that is never a bad thing.

L. A. Sprague 1:02:16

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:17

And it is something that I highly, highly encourage. And I remember when I first, you know, I had tried the journaling and getting involved in community and all of these things, and they were helping little bits here and there, but I was like, I really like I there something is not okay, like I'm not okay. And I remember when I first went to talk to one of my old therapists about getting on medication, I was so anxious about it. And if you're anxious about asking for anxiety medication, you should probably be taking anxiety medication. But I was so afraid that she wouldn't believe me, even though she was the one who had diagnosed me with anxiety. I was so afraid and so nervous that she wouldn't believe that I actually was struggling. Yeah, and so I had a couple people I texted them and said, Hey, I'm meeting with my therapist on this day to ask about anxiety medication. Can you please check in with me and hold me accountable to do that? Because I'm afraid I'm gonna back out of it.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:28

And so I had multiple people text me that day, be like, hey, and I remember it was Valentine's Day. I was like, I am loving and taking care of myself by asking for anxiety medication on Valentine's Day. Oh, that's cute. And I I was like, hey, I really think I want to talk to my doctor about getting on anxiety meds. And she's like, absolutely. And she's like, I also think you should talk to your doctor about getting on an antidepressant. And I was like, no, no, I'm I'm I'm not depressed. I'm fine. I it's just anxiety. And she was like, Okay, but I I think you should just mention it and see what you got. It's like fine. So I went to my doctor and I was like, hey, I've been having these episodes and these panic attacks, and I, you know, I go to Chick-fil-A once or twice a week, and I always have to memorize my order because I get so nervous that when I go up there, I can't speak, and so I have to like rehearse my order, even though I go there every single week. And she was like, Yeah, that's not normal. And I had only seen this doctor like maybe three times at this point, and so I told her about the anxiety, and she's like, Yeah, we'll we'll look into an anxiety medication, but I also think we should look into an antidepressant, and I was like, But I I'm not depressed, and she's like, No, I I really think, and that was the first time I realized, like, oh, like people are actually paying attention, they're actually seeing me, and they're seeing, yeah, some things like you're not okay, but like, let's get you the help that you need. And that was the beginning of testing out a lot of different medications. I was on one for a while and just was like, I felt numb. I was like, I I don't want to feel nothing, I just don't want to feel so big that I can't function. Um, so I was off them for a few years, and just because of a lot of different life circumstances, I was really not doing okay. And I had been out of therapy for like six months, I wasn't on medication, and I remember having a really bad depressive episode, and I remember texting my friend, and it was the first time I had ever acknowledged out loud that I was having suicidal thoughts. And I texted her, I said, I actually I told my coworker first, I said, Hey, I think. Someone should know that I'm I'm not okay. And she was like, All right, you need to find someone to talk to. And if you have these thoughts again, like, call me and I will take you to the hospital. I don't care what it is, we will take you to the hospital. And I remember my friend telling me about this therapist friend that she had, and this therapist had a three months long waiting list. I texted my friend on Friday afternoon and said, Hey, any chance your friend has openings? And she was like, Let me see. I scheduled a meeting with that therapist the next Monday. She was like, We're just gonna see if we're a good fit, but because my close friend said she needed help, like we're gonna meet and just get to know each other and see if we're a good fit, and then I'll try to squeeze you in to where I can. And again, she had a three-month-long waiting list. And after our first meeting, she said, Okay, so we're gonna be meeting twice a week.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:56

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:58

And I was like, Oh, it's that bad. She was like, Yeah, it's that bad. And we were trying some uh it was gosh, almost two years ago. We were trying out some different medications, and and this is why I encourage anyone who's looking into medication, like if you are trying medications, especially antidepressants, make sure you have a support system that you say, hey, especially if you know if you're more sensitive to certain side effects and things. Because sometimes mental health medication can make things worse. Like antidepressants can make you more depressed. And so I remember because I know that I'm more sensitive to these. I remember texting, I had one coworker, I had someone that lived near me, and I had a friend at church. I texted three people and said, Hey, my doctor is about to try some antidepressants for me. Like I'm supposed to start trying these antidepressants, and I need you to check in with me at least once or twice a week to make sure I'm okay. I will not reach out myself. Wow. And I need you to check in and be like, hey, how are you doing? And it was someone from every area of my life.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:18

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:19

That so I always had someone on call pretty much of like, hey, how are you doing? And so when I would go into work, my coworker would be like, Lexi, how you doing today? Are you feeling happy? Are you feeling alone? Like, what's gonna get a read? So make sure you have at least one person that you text and say, Hey, can you just check in on me? And it's okay to ask people to check in on you because sometimes we get carried away, we get busy, and we don't, it's like not the first thing on our mind. And it doesn't mean you're not a priority, it doesn't mean you're not important. Yeah, it's just we all get busy and get distracted. But make sure you have you reach out to at least one person, a safe person that will will text you once or twice a week, even if they have to set a reminder on their phone and they just say, Hey, how you feeling today? How are the beds working? Do you feel better? Do you feel worse? What's the status? And I tried two different medications, and I actually ended up pretty much having a nervous breakdown and having to take time off of work and it was it was not good. The medications did not sit well in my system and with my brain. And my doctor recommended that I do gene testing because she's like, We've tried at this point, I had tried like five or six different antidepressants. Oh my goodness, and they just either made things worse or they made me feel like a robot.

L. A. Sprague 1:09:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:53

And so I remember going to my neurologist, and he had put me on a medication to help with my migraines. And I was it was an antidepressant. And two or three weeks later, I told my doctor, I was like, you know, this medication's not helping with my headaches. But I feel happy and calm, and like I feel okay. And I I think it might be helping my depression.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:26

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:27

And she was like, okay, then let's up the dosage to an antidepressant and just use that as your antidepressant. And I felt no side effects.

unknown 1:10:34

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:34

And I've been doing medication for a year and a half now, and you know, we've elevated the dosage in certain seasons, we've lowered it in certain seasons. I'm on a really manageable dose now.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:46

And I feel great.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:48

And I may not have to be on it forever, but I may have to, and that's okay. Yeah, because that's just I have a chemical imbalance, and that's okay. So never be afraid to ask for help, never be afraid to ask for what you need, but know that there's so many different avenues and so many different things, and there's not just one straight answer to getting help, whether it be physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever. And yeah, just make sure you have at least one safe person in your corner that you know you can go to and ask for help and tell them, Hey, I'm not doing okay. Can you take me to the hospital? Can you give me a ride to a doctor's publisher? Like have those people find just one person that you can say, Hey, I'm not okay. And I'm just finding help and I don't know where to start.

unknown 1:11:43

Yeah.

L. A. Sprague 1:11:45

That's beautiful. Yeah, I totally agree with that. It's so important to advocate for yourself and seek the help that you need, even if you're scared. Like it's totally, I think, valid to be scared of medicine, especially when you haven't taken it before, and hearing stories like, oh my gosh, trying six different medications and making things possible even worse is scary. But eventually you found one that really helped you. And I know for some, for whatever reasons, maybe medication isn't possible. I love your recommendation to just have like don't be afraid to ask people to check in on you. I would love to hear how your chronic illnesses, including mental and physical, have impacted your faith, and also how Christ has impacted your health.

Faith Purpose And The Problem Of Pain

SPEAKER_03 1:12:35

Yeah. Oh gosh. I would say that my chronic illness and mental illness have I think they've they have tried very hard to bring me away from the Lord. But I don't think I would have such a close relationship with the Lord if I didn't have them. And it makes me like excited to say that because it's like it's just like the enemy is defeated by that. Like he tried so hard so many times to bring me away from the Lord with all of these things, and it only made my faith stronger. And it only made my relationship with the Lord stronger. And I say all the time, like, my health is the one thing that has brought me to the feet of Jesus the most. And but it's also been the one way that I've seen the Lord work the most in my heart and in the lives of other people. And like I've I've been able to connect with people like you and I have been able to connect in ways that I never would have if I didn't struggle with these things and if I wasn't open about them. So yeah, I would say my illnesses have have tried very hard to pull me away from him, but they've only gotten me closer. So yeah, and I would say so the the other piece of that was how my faith has impacted my illness, correct?

SPEAKER_00 1:14:19

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:20

Yeah. And this not to do a plug on my podcast or anything. Right, plug your podcast. This is honestly like the reason I started the podcast was because through there have been other things that I've dealt with in my life that have made me question like, where were you, Lord? Like, why did you allow these things to happen? But there has never been a moment where I've questioned why did I have to deal with all these health problems? And I've always sort of known that they were happening because he wanted to bring himself glory through that. And if I got to be a small piece and in the puzzle of bringing him glory, like sign me up. I mean, it's gonna be difficult. And there have been days where I'm like, really, it could have been anything else, Lord. But I have I have seen the way that he has used my story to bring himself glory, and like that that's what we're here for. Like that's that's what we were, that's our intended purpose. And so I am seeing myself live out my intended purpose through my health problems. And I I have never once questioned why these things had to happen. I just knew, okay, they're happening for a reason and they're not without purpose. And that's why I started the podcast, is because it's like nothing, nothing he allows us to go through is without purpose. But if you think of like the story of Job, like the enemy literally had to ask the Lord for permission to let these things happen to him, to have all these things taken away, to have him struggle. Like he has to get through Jesus before he can get to us. So if the Lord is allowing him, you know, the enemy to take these things away or to, and you know, the if the Lord is allowing these things to happen, there's a reason for it. There's a purpose in it, and it's to bring him glory and it's to further the kingdom. And like that's that's why he created us.

L. A. Sprague 1:16:40

And so can I ask you a question about that? Yeah, yeah. So I know like a lot of Christians struggle with that view of like it can feel like a a suppressing or a all-self-serving God to put people through pain, chronic illness, you know, for his glory. And but you say that as a positive thing. So I wonder, could you expound on why you think that's a good thing?

SPEAKER_03 1:17:10

Yeah. Yeah. Gosh, that's such a like, of course, this is the moment where my brain decides, nope, we're done functioning. That's okay. The one time I need my brain to show up, it's like, huh. I mean, if we think about the glory of Christ, right? And what he had to go through. Like everything we go through is is, you know, not to minimize anything that we go through, because there's so many of us who have gone through really hard things. And in the moment, you know, and I talk about this all the time on again plugging my podcast. I talk about this all the time on my podcast, but it's like when we're going through things, we don't sit there and think, oh, I can't wait to see how the Lord uses this. I can't wait to see how this is gonna bring him glory. Like when we're in the thick of it, we're like, I I need out. I need to get out of this. Like, I I can't, like, it's so dark and it's it's so scary and it's so hard. But coming out the other side of it and getting to see real life examples of oh, he actually allowed me to go through this so I could help someone else go through it. Or he allowed me to go through this because then I get to share my testimony. And people who haven't been through these things, they don't know that side of life. And so getting to share, you know, my health journey and my mental health journey with people who haven't experienced those things, they get to see the magnitude of how the Lord works through that. And I don't know if I'm answering your question at all. And my brain is trying to like go a million different miles with it, but no, that's okay.

L. A. Sprague 1:19:19

I uh I wonder if like I don't know if I can give it a good answer either, because I think it's actually it's just a very good question, and that's actually a perspective I also personally struggle with. And recently talking to a former believer friend of mine, that's something they struggled with. And I don't know like a great like answer for that perspective. That's generally like it's something like I'm so happy that like that perspective helps you. Something I like generally don't typically lean towards. But I think like perhaps one way to like respond could be that like if I know you tell me your thoughts, but like if Christ is the fullness of goodness, if he's the fullness of of love, and like like if the definition of God is that he's basically omniperfect, right? Like he's all these good things, and he's just that like if he is those things, like it it is a blessing to know him and to be with him, and sometimes life I think is just fallen because it is, it's messed up because it is, and sometimes it's we can hear Christ calling to us in our weakness, so it's like could he have put that in our way to glorify him and bring us closer to him for sure? Like he definitely could have. But whether it works that way or not, one thing for certain is that Christ does call to us throughout the pain, and sometimes it's easier to hear that when we do need someone calling to us throughout the pain. So yeah, I think I can yeah, that's it's a tricky question. I don't think it's so easily answered. And I think depending on your perspective of like God and how glory and free will and predestination, all that work, it's a complicated question. But we can be certain that if he is love, if he is care, like if Jesus is those things, then like in the midst of our pain, he reaches out to us, he comforts us, he lays with us in our pain, and he also brings us through to be a more resilient and good person that can also bless those around us. I don't know if that helps answer that at all or not.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:37

Well, and I I think too, like a perspective that has helped me and something that I'm still learning how to comprehend is that he has experienced every ounce of suffering that we have.

L. A. Sprague 1:21:51

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:21:53

And I was thinking about this a couple months ago because I'm like, it it just like I'm like, okay, but he hasn't experienced everything that we've gone through. I'm like, okay, Jesus was a man. There Jesus did not experience period cramps. So he hasn't experienced everything. And then I and then it was like, oh, but he was also pierced in the side and blood flowed out of his side when he was pierced on the side when he was on the cross. So yeah, he understands the pain of period gr like, you know, like there's he may not have experienced that specifically, but he experienced suffering in all the ways that we've experienced suffering, whether it looks the same or not, whether it's the exact specific thing. But also he, because we are extensions of him, when we experience heartbreak, he's also heartbroken for us because he's we're so connected to him. And it yeah, I had a point and a purpose for all of that, and my brain is no longer working to function. So yeah, it just it really is like, and I I think something that's so important to remember is that God doesn't cause us to go through hard things, He allows us to, He does not cause the hard things, and sometimes the hard things that we go through are consequences of our own actions, they're consequences of the actions of other people, which is never a fun thing to experience. But and a lot of them are just consequences of the fall. But like remembering ultimately, like this was not how it was supposed to be. This isn't the world that he wanted us to live in. But he allowed himself to experience all of those things so one day we could go to heaven and experience the true world he was he originally intended for us. Um and that's that's all my thought.

L. A. Sprague 1:24:14

Yeah, yeah. Mic drop. Yeah, yeah, nice. All right.

Psalms To Pray When Words Fail

L. A. Sprague 1:24:21

What are some other ways you feel like like is there a certain verse or truth that you cling to in the in the midst of your pain?

SPEAKER_03 1:24:30

Yeah. Actually, I brought my Bible. Nice. Okay, I'm ready. I will say the book of Psalms is one that I turn to when I am just like in if I need a moment where I need to know that someone else also was experiencing pain and heartache, but also like if I need encouragement and if I need to be reminded that the Lord is near. And so when I was, you know, dealing with all of my different testing and hard things earlier this year, like I just I just lived in the book of Psalms. And yeah, so I'll if you don't mind, I'll share a few of my couple of my favorite passages.

L. A. Sprague 1:25:20

Go for it.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:21

Um, so one of them is uh is a couple different sections from Psalm 69. So verses one through three, save me, O God, for the flood waters are up to my neck. Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire. I can't find a foothold. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me. I am exhausted from crying for help, my throat is parched, my eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me. And then starting at verse 13 through 16, but I keep praying to you, Lord, hoping this time you will show me favor. In your unfailing love, O God, answer my prayer with your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mud, don't let me sink any deeper. Save me from those who hate me and pull me from these deep waters. Don't let the floods overwhelm me, or the deep waters swallow me, or the pit of death devour me. Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful. Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful. And I think so many times when we're in the mud and the pit, it can be hard to know what to pray. And it can be hard to find words to cry out to the Lord. And I think so many of the psalms are like our are prayers that I wish I could write myself, and I'm so grateful we have them because the amount of times I've read these verses out loud and just cried out to the Lord using David's words or whoever wrote these psalms. But there where is ah one verse that I have tried to memorize and have not done a great job of is Psalm 73, verse 26. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart. He is mine forever. And that's just like He He remains the strength that I have, and He is my strength. And yeah. I I would say this year especially, those are some of the verses that that got me through. Yeah. Um and were just helpful reminders that like I'm not the only one who's you know going through it or has gone through it.

L. A. Sprague 1:27:53

Yeah. You're not alone. And it makes you feel no one alone. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I think. One of my favorites is Psalm 103. There's a verse, and I don't remember which one, but it's talking throughout that chapter about how God gives us mercy. And it says that He remembers that we are dust. And I love that. Like you were talking about deconstruction, and that's one thing. I would say I've been deconstructing for the last four years on and off, you know. And that's a verse that's always been so encouraging to me is that even when we genuinely don't understand and disagree with God, first of all, it's okay. And second of all, God remembers that you're just human. Like he remembers that he created you from dust, he created humanity from dust, and to dust you will return. And he has that compassion. Like, I don't think an immortal, like transcendent God is expecting you to understand and wrap your mind around what he's doing or why he's doing it. I don't even hot take think he expects you to agree or blindly believe. I I don't think that. I I really think that he must have mercy if he remembers that we are just human. And so that's helped me in my times of doubt and angst and pain, is just remembering, okay, I'm just human and God knows that and loves me despite that. And yeah, so that's a a psalm that's really comforted me in my mental, you know, illnesses and also physical ones as well. So thanks for letting us share.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:40

I think uh a helpful thing that I remind myself of constantly is that before he ever created anything, he knew every single one of us that was going to exist on this earth. He knew everything we were going to do every time we were gonna sin, every time we were gonna mess up. He knew that Adam and Eve were gonna screw everything up, and yet he still created us anyway. And then he sent his son to die for us, to live as a human, to suffer as we suffered, so he could spend eternity with us, even though he knew that we were human and we were sinful. And he loves us so so dearly, and we will never ever understand the depths of his love for us. And like there are just some things about him we will never comprehend, and we have to be okay with that. And there are I I don't know why some people have to go through what they go through. I fully we I may never see in my lifetime the reasons why I've had to go through some of the things that I've gone through, but I've seen small glimpses of it, and I've seen small glimpses of the way he moves and the way he loves us through it, and the way it's brought me closer to him. And yeah, like he just loves us so dearly and everything he does is out of love for us. That's that.

L. A. Sprague 1:31:18

Yeah, thanks for sharing your perspective.

Realistic Hope Find Your People

L. A. Sprague 1:31:21

What would you say? Last question if you could give any piece of you know, I'll just say if you could say anything to anyone uh who's chronically ill, particularly a believer, what is one thing you would tell them?

SPEAKER_00 1:31:41

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:59

And honestly, I I don't know. Because when I was in the thick of it, I didn't want to hear what other people had to say. I didn't want to hear the encouragement. I didn't want to hear it. I was like, yeah, I know it's gonna get better, it's not always gonna be this way. Well, maybe it's not necessarily encouragement.

SPEAKER_00 1:32:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:32:27

I think it is very okay for you to sit in the reality that it sucks. And like, oh, here's I had a note. That's that's what it was. I had written some verses earlier this year on this little card, and just some quotes that I had heard from different places or whatever. And one quote that I had heard, and I I don't remember where this is from, but it said, God's joy does not deny reality. Ooh and it's like the the reality of what we live with day to day, and every day is different, you know? And every day is unpredictable. You never know how you're gonna feel when you wake up, you never know if it's gonna be a happy day or a sad day or an anxious day. But just know that like having joy in the Lord doesn't deny the reality of the fact that it sucks and that it's really hard sometimes, and it can feel really lonely and really isolating, but you can still find joy in the Lord, and the Lord doesn't say, Hey, I want you to find joy in me and forget that you have all these problems because he knows we're suffering and it's breaking his heart watching us suffer. But the reality is that it sucks and that's okay, and it's okay to be sad about it, and it's okay to let yourself feel all the feelings about it, and it's you know, it's it's probably gonna not be great for a while or maybe forever. I don't know, it depends on what you're going through, but it's that's okay, and it's okay to be sad about it, and it's okay to be mad about it, and it's okay to cry and scream at the Lord and say, Why is this happening? He welcomes our questions, he welcomes our tears, he wants us to bring all of that to him.

L. A. Sprague 1:34:41

Yeah, he welcomes our disagreements, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:44

So bring it to him, bring it all to him, your mess, because you know what, he already knows what's going on in your head. And sometimes saying it out loud is actually cathartic, it's helpful. Sometimes you just gotta scream it and it's gonna look weird, it's gonna sound weird. But the reality is that this life is hard and that we all suffer in different ways, and sometimes it feels like we're never gonna get out of it. And for a long time I felt like I was never gonna get out of it. And right now I'm living in a very peaceful on the other side of it, and it's not always gonna be that way, you know. I'm gonna have really hard days and I'm gonna have really hard seasons still, but I'm on the other side, and I can say it does get better. It it doesn't mean it always gets different, but it gets better, and yeah, I guess I would say as well, like find your people. You have to, even if it's just one person, you gotta have a safe person to talk to about stuff, you gotta get it out of your own head because sometimes we get so stuck in our own heads that it just keeps getting crammed in there and then we feel like we're suffocating. So, like, find someone to talk to, therapist, the Lord, another human, whatever it may be, like find a safe person to talk to and say, Hey, I'm not doing okay. I don't need to talk about it, I just need someone else to be here with me in it. Or I need to verbally process everything that I'm going through right now because if we let it just fester in our brains, it's not gonna be good. So find your people, find your person, and don't stay stuck in your own head.

L. A. Sprague 1:36:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:36:39

Because it's not always a safe place to be.

L. A. Sprague 1:36:41

Yep. And I want everybody to remember that Christians shameless plug for the podcast you're listening to, Christians with chronic illnesses is also a community. We have a Discord chat, we have a Facebook page, and the reason that this was made was for that reason, for that purpose, so that you can connect with fellow believers who are genuinely suffering like you are, and that you can just be honest. And heck, even if you're not a Christian, I hope you know that you're welcome. Like we, you know, it's you're you're welcome. So if if you don't have anyone and you genuinely feel so lost and don't know where to go, I mean, check out, you know, Lexi's podcast, not without purpose podcast, check out the Christians with Chronic Illnesses community. Feel free to like get connected, and like, you know, I I'm more than welcome to connect you to the Discord chat or the Facebook group or whatever it is that you need. Like, like we're here for you. And yeah, so just do that, get connected, it's so important. Even if it's not with me and Lexi, dude, just just get help. Just do it.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:52

Just get some help. No, just yeah, just make sure that you're not sitting in it alone because you don't have to.

L. A. Sprague 1:38:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:01

And sometimes it means taking a chance and taking a risk, but life is not life without a little risk.

L. A. Sprague 1:38:08

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:09

Every time you drive your car, you're taking a risk. So if you can drive your car, you can talk to another human and tell them what's going on.

L. A. Sprague 1:38:17

Yeah, absolutely. Well, Alexi, thanks so much. This has been a very enlivening, interesting episode. And I hope that you felt encouraged and heard and seen. And I have no doubt, I mean, I I really enjoyed so much of what you said I personally resonated with. It was like, wow, we are very similar people. And I hope everybody listening was encouraged as well. Feel free, guys, to leave your comments and thoughts, and please check out Lexi's podcast as well.

SPEAKER_03 1:38:44

Yes, thank you for opening this space and giving people a platform to share their stories. It's really important.

Community Resources And Final Wrap

L. A. Sprague 1:38:51

Absolutely. Thank you so much for being a part of the Christians with Chronic Illnesses community. Please remember to follow Rate and subscribe to the show. You can also follow us on our socials at CWCI Podcast. And if you're interested in sharing your story, please email us at cwcipodcast at gmail.com. If you are interested in contributing to the production of Christians with chronic illnesses, please see the show notes below for subscriptions starting as low as $1 a month, or email us for a more direct way to give. This show is hosted and produced by Ellie Sprigg, and our incredible logo, thumbnail, and overall CWCI artist is Brianna Middleton. This show is intended for entertainment and encouragement purposes only. Please talk to your doctor before trying anything you hear on this show. Until next Monday.